|
 |
The following letters are from people -- just like you -- who have experienced, and continue to experience, a lot of nonsense in their social lives.
After reading the letters below, please contribute your own story. At the bottom of this page is a link for doing that. Then, decide today that you will read my books to eliminate nonsense from your relationships.
Also, don't forget to subscribe to my FREE NoNonsense Dating Tips
|
Dear NoNonsense Advisor,
I am intrigued to find you one of the few available resources on the Web for false accusations of rape. As you may be aware, women and men are both accused of rape. I am a lesbian who has been accused of rape by another woman, much as you describe it in the heterosexual world. Fortunately for me, no charges have been laid.
However, like several of my colleagues, I find it impossible to date or to even think of anything sexual without extreme inhibition and self-disgust.
Do you know of any resources, online or otherwise, anywhere around the world, that assist with the sexual rehabilitation of falsely accused sexual predators? Any response you can give would be gratefully received.
Scared in Sydney Australia
Dear Scared,
You've asked a great question. I've never heard of one woman accusing another of rape. In fact, I would be interested to know the precise definition, according to the law, of female-on-female rape. Your letter is extremely useful because it illustrates the horrific ability of women to be hurtful, violent, and vindictive, despite what we were raised to believe.
I suspect that, because MEN are the ones typically accused of rape, there are no resources for psychological recovery, other than straightforward psychotherapy. Why? Because Western societies don't care about the well-being of men. Accordingly, I am not aware of any books written for men on coping with false rape accusations. Such a book would be a useful tool, because rape fraud happens with great frequency.
Rather than be forever traumatized, I suggest that you apply the same rules, going forward, that I recommend to men: don't become intimate with a woman unless you trust her implicity. You must judge her behavior OUTSIDE the bed to determine what it will be INSIDE the bed.
In addition to my two books, which will give you a no-nonsense understanding of women, I have written over 50 articles you may want to read (they are listed on my Media & Events page). Here are three applicable to this situation:
- "Will She Call 911 on You?"
- "If Women Were Happy"
- "Is Your Son Safe at College?"
We saw in the Duke University rape case, that our society -- from the citizens to the courts -- don't give a damn about men. I think you have an appreciation of what they endured and how they will be emotionally affected for life.
Dear NoNonsense Advisor,
I am a successful man, involved with a much younger woman from another culture. I am familiar with this culture, having dated others from that country and even speak some of the language. The financial gap is quite large between us. She is from a wealthy family but possesses no wealth of her own -- although she is accustomed to being in high society.
To my surprise, we seem to be quite compatible in temperament, values, and intellect. I have been skeptical about this but, in the year that I have known her, I have become slowly convinced of this. Because she is used to being taken care of, I do have to wonder how much role money plays in our relationship.
She has never worked outside her family business, and it is really impossible for her to reciprocate -- except on a modest basis. If we travel somewhere in the world, I have to pay for everything. I don't mind doing this, but I do mind it if we were to marry and would be stuck paying the bills for long after the divorce.
Prenups cover only so much. What would your thought on this be? In my experience, there is love until sometime before divorce, and then the woman goes for everything she can get -- no matter what she said orally or in writing previous to that point.
My question is, How can you be in a committed relationship like marriage and protect yourself from being cleaned out because you were foolish enough to commit? I live in the US. Would being married in a foreign country help at all?
Future Poor Man in Philly
Dear Future Poor Man,
First, I must urge you to read three of my articles: "The Man's No-Nonsense Divorce Primer," "Her Double-D's Can Bankrupt You," and "Riding the Estrogen Express."
Second, you've already begun digging your own grave. Hooking up with a chick who has never worked a day in her life (working for Daddy doesn't count) is suicide. She enjoys the high life, as long as someone else finances it. Who wouldn't like that?
Remember when the students rioted in Paris a few months ago, because the government threatened to rescind their entitlements? Women do the same thing. You say you don't mind financing her social life now (I don't believe you. Otherwise, you wouldn't have written to me), but you are worried about continuing your largesse through marriage and into divorce. Where do you think it starts? In dating! Whatever patterns you establish in dating get carried forward, magnified 100-fold. You don't HAVE to pay for her on trips abroad; you CHOOSE to pay for her on trips abroad. You think this won't continue if you get married??? Puleeeeeze!!!!!
While skeptical about it, you say you two are compatible in temperament (she's so much fun and pleasant -- as long as you're providing the lifestyle), intellect (why isn't she inventing the next iPod?), and values (you're a giver; she's a taker).
You wonder what role money plays in your relationship -- i.e., does she treat you like an ATM? Try an experiment: stop buying her expensive gifts, start taking her to cheap restaurants, and, instead of going on fancy outings, play Frizbee in the park and do a lot of bike-riding. See how long it takes her to stop "loving" you.
As you know, few women marry for love. They marry for two reasons: legitimate babies and cash. Getting married in another country, so far as I know, matters not. What matters is where you get divorced. The validity of a prenup is based on the skill of the lawyer who created it and the judge who interprets it during a divorce. Also, a prenup does NOT cover child support. So, if you let her get pregnant, she will own you for 18 years.
Any other questions?
Dear NoNonsense Advisor,
I've enjoyed your well-written and truly inspirational insights into the male/female, political/emotional issues. We truly live in sad times: sad times for justice, freedom -- and romance!
However, I am unlike any man I've ever met. I am late 40s, twice married, and twice divorced. Smart enough to have never been taken to the cleaners! (even as a newly sexed 15-year-old, I'd have contraceptive foam and condoms on hand because a girl could never prove she was on the pill. If she used a diaphragm, I would insist on gelling it and inserting it! No "Oops, I'm preggers" for me!) So, I am similar to men you've written about who live alone, have dropped out of the dating scene, and envision living alone for the rest of their lives. But, the main reason I choose this path may surprise you.
I have never understood how a man can accept female sexual superiority! As a young man, I'd put up with it, but as I'm older, the pressure is less intense to have sex -- yet another example of male sexual inferiority! A woman never loses her ability to climax and climax and climax! The staggering unfairness of the sexual difference between men and women has finally turned me off from being with a woman again!
When I was young, my partners and I would have lots of sex. Typically, she wanted more emotion and I wanted more intercourse! Now, (and right on biological cue, thanks to our separate hormones) SHE wants to just screw, and I want the emotion -- and the sex. Fair enough, but to a point. Really, I just can't stand to be in the presence of a being who can outdo me to such an extraordinary extreme as to be out of this world! That a man takes pride that his woman has come 20 times during a session, whilst he's lumbered along and sweated up ONE orgasm, is appalling in the extreme! Has he no pride? Does he not know that he is so outclassed as to be nonexistent?
While I totally agree with you that the way to a woman's heart is through her clit (see Rudov's article The Power of Aural Sex) -- yes, she will follow like a dog, tongue hanging out! -- I just can't get beyond being with a person so remarkably superior! How men do rationalize this disparity -- and rationalize they must! Imagine being with a billionaire, and you are earning minimum wage. How could you ever meet as equals in the economic arena? Same with sex.
So, I am living alone and find that the women who are attracted to me are from their early 30s up to my age. And they are ALL like the sweaty-teenaged-boy stereotype: going through the motions of talk, dinner, social intercourse. Man, they are seething with sexual desire! No modesty! Yes, I know, modesty is something men invented to cool the female sexual jets. So, I'm supposed to go through the motions, have a couple of orgasms ... and watch in awe as she comes more in a session than I would in a week? Not bloody likely!
What do you think?
Tired in Toronto
Dear Tired,
Great letter! Yet, I think you are looking at the situation in a disempowering way. Let's compare this situation to the relationship between a drug addict and a drug dealer. Who has the power in that relationship? Not the one with the intense cravings, right? The same dynamic exists in a sexual relationship.
As I explained in "The Power of Aural Sex," the WOMAN has the more-intense sexual cravings; the man, consequently, has the most power. Think about it. If you are clever enough with all of your appendages, you can drive her crazy until she falls asleep. And, when she awakes, she will ADORE you. If she cares only about being satisfied, and not about you and your needs, find another woman.
Dear NoNonsense Advisor,
It suddenly dawned on me that men really have the best of both worlds, and women have it really bad.
Many moons ago, men were the sole providers for the household. We women were at home taking care of our growing families. Mind you, we bear the burden of the growing part. After all, we are the baby carriers by nature. I would like, for once, to see a man carry a child for nine months, suffer the body changes, and experience the hormones gone mad. I would like to see him deal with the moods, the swelling, the weightgain, and the pain of delivery!
Despite this, women decided mothering was not enough, that we also need careers. So, now we are providers as well as housekeepers, babycarriers, milkmakers, and husbands' caregivers. We only made our lives harder -- you must agree.
So, given some of your articles, why do you think women are out to get men? It seems the only time a woman can feel good about her existence is when she's in a good, mutually supportive relationship with a healthy, emotionally present man.
Where did we women go wrong? When and why did beautiful men begin thinking so little of us? Is it all based on perception, bad experiences, or self-taught anger? Do men really place all women in the same category?
Vanquished in Vancouver
Dear Vanquished,
If you really have read my articles, I'm amazed that you think men have the best of both worlds and that women have it really bad. And, I'm unsure to which worlds you refer. Were you thinking of the Third World, perhaps? When it comes to dating, marrying, and getting divorced from women, men do not at all have any easy time.
Regarding childbirth, I applaud women for enduring that. Some women have tough pregnancies; others have easy ones. But, out of 18 years of a child's minority existence, though, nine months in utero is only 4.2% of it. So, please don't exaggerate the woman's sacrifice. Also, I take exception to your comments about a woman's "overburdened role" in childrearing. I bottle-fed, fed, diapered, bathed, dressed, read to, played with, wiped the tears of, educated, shopped for, and chauffered my kids. And, I loved EVERY minute of it. I never thought of it as a burden.
Yes, men used to be the sole breadwinners, but the world has evolved -- fortunately. Women got tired of sitting at home all day and wanted to expand their horizons outside their homes. Why not? That's been positive, as far as I'm concerned. Life is harder, yes, but also more interesting.
What I don't like, and I've written extensively about it, is when women demand equality in the workplace (which they deserve) and special treatment in romance (which they don't deserve). That double standard -- the expectation of having men finance their social lives -- is nonsense, and THAT is where women went wrong and are still wrong.
I do not agree that a woman only feels good about her existence if she is in a solid relationship with a man. That is a dangerous state. In fact, I will say that a woman is incapable of being in a good relationship with a man unless and until she can feel good about herself alone. If she is happy by herself, a good relationship will increase her happiness.
Men will respect women -- as equals, as peers -- when women act like equals and peers. That means no attitudes of entitlement and expectations of special treatment. Some great women already understand how to be peers and have a capitalistic attitude: no benefits without paying the price. Others, unfortunately, are socialistic in demeanor: what free benefits do I get for just showing up?
Women have it really bad? A woman's life is as good as she makes it, will soar as far as the price she's willing to pay. You know what? This is the same axiom by which men live.
Dear NoNonsense Advisor,
I read your article "Why Men Avoid commitment" and have a question. I've had a boyfriend for the past year who fits your second category of commitments: committed but unmarried (informal). He has avoided marriage his whole life because he fears losing his possessions, for which he had to work hard (as he claims). He believes that a prenuptial agreement is not secure protection because a good lawyer could get around it.
He doesn't agree with the divorce laws, especially the one requiring him to maintain the woman's lifestyle after the marriage dissolves. We live in Florida, and I told him that whatever he owns before marriage is his. But, he believes that, after so many years, it wouldn't be true and that he still would have to pay if I leave him (for whatever reason).
Is he just "cheap" or very careful about his money? What can I do to increase his level of security?
Fretful in Florida
Dear Fretful,
Your letter epitomizes the anguish men feel about marriage, thanks to our anti-male society. Because you didn't provide any evidence, I do not think your boyfriend is cheap. I think he is scared, and rightfully so. But, you knew that when you met him and continued the relationship.
Unfortunately, the spirit of marriage has been diluted so much, to the point where the costs outweigh the benefits, that few reasons remain for taking the plunge.
In most states, people may take from the marriage everything they brought into it, and half of what either party created during the marriage, but it isn't that easy. People fight and argue, and what seemed so clear in a prenup becomes a matter of negotiation. There are men who have left their marital homes, unable to reclaim their original possessions -- because their wives destroyed or stole them. Many courts, biased against men, give women great latitude in bad behavior. That is why your boyfriend doesn't trust prenuptial agreements.
I can suggest only two things: 1) Visit a lawyer together to discuss prenups vis-a-vis Florida's marriage and divorce laws. 2) If your boyfriend doesn't trust that you would completely honor your signature on a prenup, then he shouldn't marry you -- nor should you want to marry him.
It is sad that we as a society have devolved to this point, but it is reality.
Dear NoNonsense Advisor,
I am a 30-year-old, independent, good-hearted, very nice (too nice), very-good-looking lady with three wonderful children. I have two secure, successful jobs to provide for them. The only conflict I have in my life is in the LOVE department.
I have had repeated on-off relations with a guy whom I have known since grade school. Well, in the past three years of this go-around, we have stayed in contact and, for about a year, we were in contact with each other every day. I would help him with things he didn't have time to do, kinda of like "wife duties." During the course of about a year, he was the only man I was with sexually & emotionally, leaving my heart wide open for him... because I have always wanted him as my partner. He is a workaholic but found time for me sexually "every now and then," once or twice monthly, but we would spend time together on other occassions. He would sometimes say "we're just friends."
He claims that the only reason we don't become a couple is that, if something goes wrong, we would lose the friendship he values. It was obvious how I felt about him because I always have done special things for him to let him know I was thinking of him, and he would appreciate it. All my friends know I was absolutely crazy about this man, BUT I always gave him his space.
After a year of wanting to get closer to him and wanting to know where I stand with him, I wrote him a letter explaining exactly how I feel, stating that I couldn't just be his "friend" anymore.
Upon reading the letter, he called immediately. Afraid of rejection, I didn't answer. The next day, he tried calling a few more times. He left a message saying he didn't understand what's going on. He explained that he had never tried to entice me in any way, but, at least, I could call him back to talk about it. Instead of talking to him the next time he called, I text-messaged: "I've said what I needed to." He hasn't called back. It seems to me he doesn't want to claim responsibility of enticing me in any way, to make my feelings grow for him. Help me figure this out please.
Strung Along in San Diego
Dear Strung Along,
It is obvious that you have a distorted view of your situation. You are a co-conspirator in doing the "stringing along." You've participated in an endless, on-again-off-again relationship, without forcing any make-or-break decisions. Why? You cannot blame him: you have been very passive and have placed on this man a lot of the burden for the outcome of the relationship. Also, you claim to be too nice, but you are anything but. Moreover, you believe that the only conflict in your life is in the love department; in fact, it runs much deeper than that.
What is nice? Being honest, direct, and straightforward. Telling your man how you feel and what you want, when the relationship begins (instead of assuming he knew over many years) is nice. Answering the phone to face the man you claim to be crazy about is nice. Avoiding this man's phone calls and instead text-messaging him is mean, immature, and cowardly.
You don't seem to know what you want and have difficulty expressing it when you do know. Once you finally expressed your desire in a letter to be more than friends, he responded to you. But, you didn't have the courage of your so-called convictions to engage in a dialogue with him. What is that? Fear of rejection? C'mon. All along, you've been afraid to assert yourself. You hung on to whatever affection he would give you in his spare time. Fear is no basis for a relationship. Lack of honest communication is no basis for a relationship.
Time for a checkup from the neck up. To succeed in a relationship, and all other endeavors, you must know what you want, express it, and make it happen. If it doesn't happen, either change your strategy and actions, or move on to a new goal. Otherwise, you're just floating down the river of life, hoping the currents will take you to a good place. Hope is NEVER a strategy.
Dear NoNonsense Advisor,
Some months have passed since I lost my love. I am Mexican and had the privilege to know a very special, independent, amazing American woman during her assignment here in Mexico. My question is: How can a Latin guy deal with the American culture of relationships? More specifically, How can a Latin man be secure at home when his girlfriend, and future wife, is accustomed to visiting ex-boyfriends around the world? She told me: "I can be with my friends and/or ex-lovers without doing anything bad, and I expect you to do the same, because we trust each other."
Maybe I am an old-fashioned guy, but this is too much for me! I do not consider myself a jealous guy, but if I know that my future wife is going alone to see a movie with a "very dear friend (Platonic love)” or goes to the billiard hall to “play” with some ex-friend-with-rights in another country, I can't help but feel jealous and irritated! I decided to dump her before I go crazy trying to convert 36 years of my culture to the American way. Maybe I failed her because I didn’t trust her enough, but, oh, man! I think that was too much for me.
I am very, very sad because I have sacrificed a lot to spend the rest of my life with her. Unfortunately, everything ended up in a very bad way, and we’ll never see each other again. Am I wrong?
Mournful in Mexico
Dear Mournful,
You are not wrong for feeling uncomfortable with your woman spending lots of time with numerous ex-loves. Your indignation is totally natural and justified. And, I do not agree that her cavalier behavior is the "American Way" -- I wouldn't like it either, and I don't know many women who would accept such behavior from a man. We all remain friends with some of our ex-loves, but there's always a point when that practice becomes excessive. People in romantic relationships must be sensitive not to offend their partners, within reason, or risk losing them.
You met a woman visiting your country while she was in away-from-home, or "vacation," mode. When a woman in vacation mode tells you she loves you, be suspicious. People away from home say and do things that are out of character. If you visit her in her country, on her turf, and her feelings and behaviors toward you remain consistent, then she was genuine from the start. But, that is the only way to know.
This woman knew she was hurting you yet continued with her behavior. You don't need someone like that in your life. I'd say you made the right decision, because you were going to get hurt even worse in the future.
Dear NoNonsense Advisor,
The only voice of reason I ever heard about dating came from reading your article, "The Golden Rule Dictates your Sex Life." I subscribed to everything you said from the moment I decided to have a serious, balanced, permanent relationship leading to marriage. Why, then, at 36, have I watched every man I ever knew leave me to pursue the power imbalanced? Each one sang the praises of my independence, my willingness to treat him to dinner, and my femininity -- back massages and allowing my door to be opened without the childish, feminist "I can do it myself."
Oh, sure, the subsequent relationships they landed in are as ugly as you describe, no question, and they are knee-deep -- no, neck-deep -- in exactly the kind of relationships, and in some cases marriages, they swore they would NEVER endure. What, pray tell, is the draw, when they have tasted the sweet balance of a real woman?
I'm going to buy your book; I can't wait to read it, but, more urgently, I can't WAIT to find someone who has actually been strong enough and modern enough to make it work. As I watch trophy wives with nannies and housekeepers sit home comfortably and then pick up their kids from school, while I independently bust my ass for the extremely decent living I make and the pride of owning myself, I wonder, Who is the real winner?
I know a few women who quietly envy my independence, success, sophistication, and freedom. Instead of being owned by a husband, I, on the other hand, am merely owned by my job, which provides me substantially less (financially, anyway) than the "owners" of my trophy friends.
I frequently have wondered why any man would ever forsake the beauty of what he shared with me for the ugliness of what he ultimately "purchased," and I hope your book will answer that question -- it would give me so much peace of mind.
At this point, I'm ready to give up the good fight to put my 36-year-old hindquarter on the block, to be purchased by a 50ish guy with a fat wallet and a preference for a younger woman -- unless he finds it too awkward to marry someone younger than the children from his first marriage. Any suggestions?
Disheartened in Des Moines
Dear Disheartened,
Brava to you for being a no-nonsense woman! I'm sorry to hear that the men in your life can't handle your fairness and then jump into expensive, unfair relationships. Socialization is mighty powerful, isn't it? Many men just don't feel masculine unless they are providers -- even though they resent it at the same time.
In addition to reading The Man's No-Nonsense Guide to Women, I recommend that you work hard, going forward, to select only no-nonsense men -- BEFORE you get involved with them. These men do exist! I'm not the only one. How do I know? They write to me all the time, asking where they can find women like you.
Sign up for NoNonsense Dating on my Website: state in your profile exactly what you want in a man. Be specific, and hold to your agenda. If men are too insecure about being equal, even if you're physically attracted to them, you must keep moving until you find what you want.
Finally, regarding the trophy wives you know, understand that they don't really respect themselves, even though they appear happy on the surface. Even though you are frustrated, you seem to respect yourself; all the money in the world can't buy that.
Dear NoNonsense Advisor,
I read your book last night, and it's really an eye-opener to me. It has made me see just "who I am/was" (Rescuer) -- which I never fully realized until reading your "Women's Map of Men." I'm so glad that I bought it -- it makes so much sense -- and hope you can answer a question for me.
I had a very passionate/sexual love affair with a man last year whom I met on the Internet. He lived in Florida, while I was in NJ. We met and hit it off completely, and we started seeing each other all the time, flying back and forth. I did fall in love with him and thought that I would move to Florida to be with him. He is smart, handsome, and dynamic... lawyer, law professor, former colonel in the army, published author, and occassional tv guest. He wanted to "rescue" me... take me away from all the pain I had experienced from my husband's death. But, as he had no children and few close friends, he also wanted to take me away from my family and friends.
My perceptive kids didn't like him at all, and he wasn't interested in my friends, who saw him as a "control freak." Even though I was totally faithful to him during our year-long relationship, he was extremely jealous and possessive, and he never trusted me. He was very selfish and controlling -- and often lamented my past relationships and previous behaviors. I broke up with him many times but then went back to him -- he always convinced me that I'll never be happy without him, that no man will ever love me as much as he does. Sounds like abuse, doesn't it?
Finally, nine months ago, I got totally honest with myself and dumped him. I e-mailed him (gutless and passive, as you put it) about why I was leaving, with a laundry list of our relationship problems. Also, I apologized for all the pain I had caused him and told him never to contact me again. He has continued to write me, asking what happened and how I could stop loving him. He has called me, but I won't take his calls. Seems that he won't take "no" for an answer... still claiming that I'll never love anyone more than him. I recently wrote him that ours was a "love affair that ended... that's it, and move on with your life." Basically, I realized he was absolutely not right for me, and I knew that I wouldn't be happy with him -- specifically because of all his emotionally abusive ways. I've checked with a few attorney friends to see whether he's harrassing me and whether I have any legal rights to stop his "campaign." My lawyer friends tell me to ignore him, not contact him.
Although I'm not proud of how I handled this situation, this man clearly has "issues" and some deep pathological problems. He keeps e-mailing me. I'm pretty upset about the whole thing.
Do you think I should call him and just tell him honestly, upfront, the reasons I dumped him, or should I ignore him? This is a scary situation, and I'm not sure how to "extricate" myself. Please advise. I'd be very grateful.
Manhandled in Manhattan
Dear Manhandled,
Your letter is a prototype for what many men and women experience in their relationships.
Let me first clarify the "Women's Map of Men," to which you referred, from chapter 2 of The Man's No-Nonsense Guide to Women. The "Women's Map of Men" describes the seven categories into which women place men. You incorrectly labeled yourself a rescuer. In fact, rescuer is the category of the man you chose, not you.
When you hook up with a rescuer, you must understand two issues: 1) why you wanted/needed to be rescued and 2) that a rescuer's self-prescribed mission in life is to rescue. The rescuer (the cape-wearing superhero) and the rescued one (the passive damsel in distress) have two, distinct roles, and both parties use lots of manipulation to control each other. Once the relationship is in a comfortable groove, if either party then decides to alter or end his or her original role, for whatever reason, this change completely throws off the dynamic and purpose of the relationship. That is what happened in your situation.
Because all failed relationships have positive aspects, it is difficult to end them. People become bonded to each other, and vestiges of the original pining remain. Even if relationships go down in flames, the participants still have positive memories. Such positive/negative conflict causes people to break up, get back together, and break up again. Sound familiar?
You made it clear that this man is not good for you. You had sound reasons for terminating the relationship with him. Yet, you still don't know what to do. You were involved with a controlling man who needs to rescue, as a shark needs to keep moving or die. But, you also controlled him to achieve your objectives. Moreover, he did not abuse you by declaring that you'd never love a man more than you love him -- you CHOSE to agree with his claim by going back to him. At this point, though, you have changed; he has not changed. But, by not being more forceful in ending the dance, you are still manipulating him. He believes you will again succumb to him, and there must be a valid reason for that.
My advice is not to ignore him -- it hasn't worked so far. Call him with a firm, stern, unmistakable message: This relationship is over (no need to list the reasons). I am no longer interested in you, and I don't want to be in touch with you anymore. Stop calling and writing to me. I have moved on with my romantic life, am very happy, and want my privacy. It's now time for you to move on. Because you are a lawyer, you are aware of the consequences of harrassment. Ciao.
Other advice: Block him from sending you e-mails, and consider getting an unlisted phone number. In the future, stay away from rescuers, lose your need to be rescued, and end your "rescue me" behavior. Find men who like and respect a strong, independent woman.
Dear NoNonsense Advisor,
I am 24 and my girlfriend is 25, and we've been in a relationship for five years. Ever since I moved in with her, though, our sex frequency has decreased dramatically -- from 3 times a week to once a week -- and that's if I request it! Every time I initiate sex, she says she's tired or not in the mood.
We've talked about it, and she says her lame libido has been from the stress of being unemployed and going to school twice a week for real-estate classes. She seems to have energy for everything else but sex, and she says that she has not lost interest in me sexually but is stressed out.
Luckily, she recently got a new job, which is good. But I feel that, when we do have sex, it is either out of guilt or obligation. We finally had sex last night... after 5 or six days of none. Is my sex drive too high?
I really hope I am worrying over nothing because I love her and will not cheat on her. I just hate knowing sex is always on her terms, which is not fair to me. Last Saturday, I caught her masturbating in the bathroom and could not help but feel upset, as if I am not good enough. She claimed not to be in the mood for intercourse but wanted to pleasure herself. I really don't mind if she masturbates... but not when she knows we havent had sex in a while. I don't want sex to be a problem in our relationship, but it is. We talk about it openly, so I don't think it's a lack of communication. Please help me with some answers, if you can. Thanks.
Sexless in South Beach
Dear Sexless,
From what I can tell, you and your girlfriend are mismatched. Excuses for not having sex and secret masturbating instead of intercourse are huge red flags. Either she is not into you, or she is into somebody else, or both.
Another consideration is that she doesn't want to be tied down at such a young age -- you've been together since you were teenagers -- and she cannot verbalize that to you. She likes you but feels trapped and uses sex as a weapon to make her point. Also, sex should be mutual and naturally exciting (no begging) -- not on her terms or your terms.
The core of all relationships is sex. If two people don't have that, they should be just be friends. Why live together? When two people crave each other, it is common not only to have daily sex but for the woman to demand it frequently. So many guys are socialized think women don't want sex. Women want it just as much as men.
So, your girlfriend, in my humble opinion, either is part of the small fraction of men and women who dislike sex, or you two just don't click. Bottom line: you want to have lots of sex, and you should. If this sounds correct, in your heart of hearts, I think you'll know what to do.
Dear NoNonsense Advisor,
I have been kind of a recluse… never going out, never attempting to date. I thought I was being difficult, or unreasonable. Nope. Guess not. I am successful and have a nice home, cars, helicopter, etc… in great shape… and good-looking. But, I feel like I still have to beg for a date. Screw that. Even the fugly ones are acting like this!
I won't play that ^$%&^$ game anymore. I am not going to beg for sex/date/romance from some stupid bitch… while paying for everything under the sun. As Glenn Sacks puts it: “when it is convenient, they will pull the ‘old-fashioned’ card…; other than that -- everything is equal." Are women frikkin stupid?!?!?!? Don’t they see what they are asking? Give nothing, get everything!? Yeah right! This world is tough!
That is why they are all prudish, self-centered bitches. I wish we could get all men to withhold dick for a while. But, there are too many spineless men out there not willing to abstain for a bit to make a point… and a change. I'd rather pay for sex directly from a ho than play by THESE rules! At least I know how much it is before I invest months and lots of $$ in a once-a-month, missionary-position-only woman.
Oh, well. Guess I better get used to being home… Right?
Hedonistic Hermit in Hollywood
Dear Hedonistic Hermit,
What a shame to have so many toys and no suitable playmate with whom to share them! And, your self-imposed reclusiveness actually will reduce the control you have over your life. Isn't this the opposite of your goal?
As I've stated before in this column: Whatever you are experiencing REPEATEDLY in your life -- good or bad -- is because of YOU. The tenor of your letter is that ALL women are selfish and evil. This, simply, is untrue. I do believe, however, that all the women YOU meet are selfish and evil. The question is, Why? Simple: your socialized pattern is to chase and attract them.
Yes, there are MANY women like the ones you've been encountering, but there is no excuse for bringing them into your life. It is normal for people to insulate themselves from sources of pain, and that is what you're doing by staying at home, never attempting to date. You are convinced that no generous, loving, do-it-from-behind women live on this planet. And, even if there were such women, you wouldn't know where to find them or how to attract only them. That's why you have thrown in the towel.
The solution is not to withhold dick from or fix the bad ones: what a waste of time and effort. Instead, ignore them. The solution begins with accepting that not all women are the same -- just as not all men are the same and not all helicopters are the same. Then, you must accept ONLY the ones you really want, after learning to identify and translate their signals. My book, The Man's No-Nonsense Guide to Women, and my articles teach you how to do this. I guarantee that, after applying my methods, your life with women will become a pleasure. After all, isn't that what you really want?
Dear NoNonsense Advisor,
I just read through a few of your online articles and am shaking my head, not because I don't believe you -- mostly because this whole dating biz is getting very, very confusing. What can I say? I'm single and losing hope that the kind of guy I want to be with even exists.
For example, I met my last paramour online, as a friend. In the start, he was fantastic. He would be very enthusiastic and encouraging, and we seemed to click well. A year down the track, its been up and down. There are issues that crop up, which are clearly from his past relationships, that I think are hindering our potential relationship.
Every time I begin to enjoy a relationship and start feeling things are mutual, something goes wrong. I am interested to know when you will write a book about men letting go of their ex-wives, especially when some years have passed after their divorces. The ex-wife scenario cropped up in my last-three relationships.
Exasperated in Melbourne
Dear Exasperated,
First, all journeys are confusing when you don't have a destination in mind and the correct roadmap. You wrote that you are losing hope that the kind of guy you want to be with even exists. Why are you losing hope? What have you tried? Have you articulated in detail, on paper, who "he" is? You will find that helpful. Also, be honest in asking yourself if this "ideal" man will be attracted to you. If you know who he is, and you believe he will like you, you also should know how and where to find him. Why haven't you?
You mentioned relationship-hindering issues belonging to your last beau, issues emanating from his past liaisons. Is it possible you also have issues from the past that affect your chemistry with him? It takes two to tango, as they say. Why are you with him? Why is he with you? Why have you spent one year with him? There should be nothing you're seeing now, after one year, that wasn't evident at the start -- if you had your eyes open and are honest with yourself.
Now, my favorite part: patterns. You wrote that every time you begin to enjoy a relationship... something goes wrong. Whenever you experience the same outcome every time, good or bad, no matter the activity, it's because of what you're doing! Moreover, we live in a country where the divorce rate is 50% for first marriages and 70% for second marriages: of course you're going to meet men with ex-wives! A book about letting go of ex-wives won't solve your problem. You have to learn how to find the right man.
Break your old pattern, and don't spend too much time with the wrong bloke. When you meet the next man, do not discuss the weather or other fatuous pleasantries on the first date. Discuss him and yourself. Ask him what kinds of women have been attracted to him, whether he wants a change, and why. Ask him what kinds of women he likes, whether he wants a change, and why. Ask him about politics and religion. Talk to him about the Scott Peterson case. Ask about his adjustment to single life after divorce. Is he a happy, positive guy? What does he think about women? What is his impression of you? Listen carefully to his answers. Do you like and/or respect what you hear, or do you want to run for the door? Your gut reaction will tell you whether you should be with him next week and, especially, next year.
Dear NoNonsense Advisor,
I read your article "Can Men and Women Really Get Along?" with interest. In the article, you state that men need to get rid of the "outdated" 1950s concept of masculinity. I don't know where you get this idea from, but I find that some women want this. I'm so confused about dating that I'm giving up. I'm a single 42-year-old man who has never really been in a serious relationship. I've tried online dating, and, after a few email exchanges, I never hear back from the women. It's just not worth the time and effort anymore. Life's too short to be hung up about not having anyone in my life.
I agree with you that well-accomplished women have a hard time finding mates. Living here in the Washington, DC, area, there are a lot of accomplished women. I started a dating relationship with this kind of woman about a year ago. We got along great, but her aggressiveness scared me away. Also, I couldn't figure out what I had to offer her. She has a great job (supervisory nurse at a local hospital), more college degrees than I can count, and enough money for both of us.
To make a long story short, she ended up marrying someone else, who, in my opinion, was a better fit for her. I also wasn't in a place in my life to give her what she wanted, which I guess was companionship. We still talk every once in a while, and she says she's very happy, and I'm happy for her. I guess the point of all of this is: Is all I have to offer a woman companionship? That seems very demeaning to me. I guess I just feel so frustrated that I'm deciding to give up.
Discouraged in DC
Dear Discouraged,
I sympathize with your plight, but you can resolve your situation. Let me address three points from your letter. First, you asked where I get the notion that men should jettison their 1950s concept of masculinity, especially because many women want old-fashioned men. Simple: man as protector and financier is an outmoded, self-defeating role. Remember, I also advised men NOT to tolerate women's double standards. Bottom line: don't date women who feel entitled to deferential treatment.
Second, you said that her aggressiveness scared you away. Because you are still friends with her, I assume she is a nice person and that you meant, by aggressiveness, that she is a proactive, self-reliant woman. If so, this is not aggressiveness. This is the ideal woman: she can take care of herself and wants a true, peer-based relationship. It doesn't get better than this!
Third, you expressed concern that all you have to offer a woman is companionship, which you find demeaning. What's wrong with friendship and sex as the foundations of a relationship? Being desired for your companionship means you are valued as a person. If you need to be desired as a caretaker, you will attract girls, not women. You must reevaluate why you want a relationship.
Giving up is the worst decision; it means that, for you, life is over. There are so many great women in the world. By sending women a solid, no-nonsense message -- whether at a party or on NoNonsenseDating.com -- and being true to yourself, you WILL find a compatible mate.
Dear No-Nonsense Advisor,
I am a 34-year-old married man who met a divorced woman of 40. I would go to where she works once and a while to get some pizza. One day, out of the blue, she gave me her phone number. I did not call right away. After I did, we talked on the phone for a couple of weeks. She told me that she and her ex-husband didn't have sex for their last year of marriage, that she is lonely, and that I am different from guys she has talked to in the past.
Finally, about a month after we hooked up, she told me that she was falling in love with me. I started developing feelings for her, too. When we started having sex, she would tell me that I was doing things to her that she had never done before. Also, she told me it really bothered her when we couldn't speak on the phone and that she would like to start seeing somebody else.
One day, some guy saw her crying in her SUV when she was having a problem with her ex-husband. He comforted and consoled her. So, she called me at work the next day to tell me she was going to date him but still wanted to see me because she loves me. After a short while, they went to a party and became intimate. That really bothers me because I was there for her when she was having problems with her ex. Also, it took us two months before we had sex.
She really needs to get her house in order and not worry about being lonely at the moment. This guy she is seeing has been in jail for a while, is of a different religion, and is now trying to move in to take control because he knows that she really loves me. He also knows that I am married. Now, when I call her to try to talk about him, she won't. I told her she is moving too fast. She told me that, if I leave my wife because of her or any other circumstance, she would not see me anymore.
I don't feel right about this guy she is seeing, and she doesn't completely feel right either. She is blinded by her emotions of being lonely and not concentrating on what's important -- her household. This guy knows exactly what she wants and is doing everything right to get his foot in the door. Down the line, he is going to hurt her badly. I am going to talk to her one or two more times.
She continues to tell me she loves me and doesn't want to let me go. I told her to leave things the way they are right now, but she has to find somebody to spend time with. I don't want to let her go, because I know she is making a mistake in the long run. What should I do and say to let her know she is making a mistake? What should I do to keep her and fill her need to be with somebody all the time? I really want to love and care for her, and she knows that.
Cheating in Chattanooga
Dear Cheating,
First, I do not believe in cheating on a spouse. If one is unhappily married, has tried everything possible (counseling, etc.) to resolve problems with his spouse, and believes his marriage is irreparably and hopelessly broken, then he must get divorced -- BEFORE looking for someone else. Given what plays these days on TV and in the cinemas, such advice must sound old-fashioned and square, but it is correct.
Second, your 40-year-old mistress, who clearly is immature and wants attention, is acting like a helpless teenager, not an adult woman. Third, she can see that you are cheating on your wife and, potentially, could cheat on her, too. Why not? Fourth, she already announced that she will dump you if you leave your wife for any reason, meaning that she doesn't really want you. Fifth, this is not love; do not confuse sex, tenderness, and neediness with love. Sixth, when you were unreachable, she jumped quickly into the sack with another man...without batting an eye. You still want her? You want to love and care for her? Are you a masochist? Besides, you are a married man!
Bottom line: In her mind, you are the perfect man while still married and legally unavailable. All she really wants is attention -- no commitments -- from the nearest guy. She sounds 14, not 40. She wants to be rescued from her misery. Unfortunately, many women are raised to be rescued by men; many men are raised to be rescuers. This is 2004! I recommend that you read my book, in which I make it very clear that a man should never rescue a woman.
In my opinion, you should walk away from this troubled, troublesome user/taker. Her needs and mistakes are not your responsibilities. Her decision to date another man, no matter how "incompatible," is not your responsibility. You are not ordained to protect her from herself or from anybody else. She is a 40-year-old adult who must chart her own course, make her own decisions, and take care of herself -- not rely on you or any other man. Finally, you have to get YOUR house in order. You must decide what to do about your marriage, and then do it.
Dear No-Nonsense Advisor,
I'm a Wall Street professional, 35 years old, and have been involved with my 32-year-old girlfriend for one year. Over Thanksgiving, I popped the question. She accepted! We celebrated with our families and then started shopping for an engagement ring. It is turning into a nightmare. She doesn't like any of the rings we've seen, and she's pressuring me to get the biggest "rock" possible. I never expected such materialism and inconsiderate behavior from her. I am beginning to regret my proposal. Any suggestions?
Turned Off in New York City
Dear Turned Off,
I know this situation only too well and have a short answer for you. First, the USA places too much importance on engagement rings. Any man or woman who gets sucked into this "let's impress our friends with karats" game is shallow, insecure, and ignorant about the meaning of marriage. Second, you should not go ring-shopping with her. An engagement ring is your present to her. Buy it ahead of time, ask her to marry you (please don't get down on one knee), then slip it on her finger if she accepts your proposal. Unless the ring comes from a bubble-gum machine, she should be happy with your selection. If she isn't, reconsider your selection of woman.
Dear No-Nonsense Advisor:
I've been dating the same guy for going on six years, and we have been living together for four of those years. When we first began living together, we made a plan and set four goals that we would accomplish together as a couple: 1) get solid, good-paying jobs in established companies; 2) get vehicles in good working order and paid off; 3) buy a house; 4) get married. Furthermore, we decided that, once we reach that point, we will set new goals.
We have accomplished every one of these goals except marriage. We moved into our new home in June of 2003. Now, I am beginning wedding preparations. I have asked him when we can set a date, and he states he is hesitant to set a date because I don't have a ring yet. When I said that the ring really didn't matter, he countered that, when I tell everyone I'm getting married, all the women will want to see my ring; if I don't have one, then he'll look cheap. He said in the meantime to go ahead and keep making wedding plans for "anytime between January and May" of 2004. So, I've already bought the dress, spoken with his mother regarding using their church, etc. There is an insecure part of me, however, that is wondering if I am going to look like a fool planning a wedding without being formally engaged. My birthday and Christmas both fall in December, but if he doesn't propose then, I am going to stop making plans and wait it out. Am I playing the fool?
Insecurity Sally in Houston
Dear Insecurity,
Your heartfelt letter raises a few critical issues that affect many people. First, moving in together without first being engaged is almost always a bad idea. Why? In my experience, commitment should PRECEDE cohabitation. On one hand, it is relatively easy to cohabitate, and many couples do that to "testdrive" their compatibility. It is extremely difficult, on the other hand, to commit for life.
In my chapter called The Octopus Tango, I talk about the difficulty of breaking up an unworkable relationship -- something you can and must avoid in the first place! If you think about it, you can learn everything you need to know about your mate without officially living together. Compatibility, or lack thereof, becomes obvious while just spending quality time together. That is why many people who live together NEVER get married -- or they get married and then divorced within a few years. Why? Because, unfortunately, they marry out of a sense of obligation rather than deep love. Recipe for disaster.
My second point is that you are now alone in making plans for an event that you both never agreed should or will occur. You are waiting for him to propose. He won't, now that you've been living together four years. Furthermore, the engagement ring, an artifice in our superficial culture that typically means more to others than to its owner, has nothing to do with what's really going on here; it is a convenient barrier.
Finally, you must think hard about how YOU have characterized your relationship. In your first sentence, you claimed to be "dating" the same guy for six years. Should you be making wedding plans with a guy you are dating? I think not. He should be your fiance, not your boyfriend -- and he should be helping you with, and very excited about, your wedding. Alas, I think you are operating out of a sense of obligation rather than deep love, and you know this. You are waiting it out...for what? Yes, you are playing the fool.
Dear No-Nonsense Advisor,
I am divorced and in my mid-40s, and I am dating this exciting unmarried girl in her late 30s. We've been seeing each other about six months now and are getting quite serious. In the last month, one thing has been bugging me about her: she is too close to her mother. She calls her mother every day, tells her everything about our relationship, and needs mommy's approval for her actions. I don't understand the inconsistency. She's a VP in her company and, otherwise, a very smart, independent lady. Now, I see her as a grown woman and a little girl at the same time! I've talked to her about it, but she defends herself saying that she wants to stay close to her aging mother. I feel that my girlfriend is letting her mother invade our privacy, and I am rethinking this whole relationship. Any thoughts?
Invaded in Boston
Dear Invaded,
Ah, yes, the classical tale of the immature, unmarried, 40ish woman. She has no family of her own; so, emotionally, she still lives with her parents. She still hasn't cut the umbilical cord, and now, you, too, are becoming entangled in it. Inconsistency? A woman's position at the office doesn't necessarily determine her social behavior. I empathize with you, but you can easily detect her "mommy" hangup during your first date or phone conversation. All you need do is listen, ask questions, and listen.
I cannot tell you how many times I've encountered women like this, both in person and on the Internet. Whenever a woman's Internet-dating profile reads: "I am very close to my family," I immediately move to the next profile. Why? Because this woman is telling me, in black-and-white, that she is still a child. A real woman looking for a real man will tell me about HERSELF and the kind of man she seeks. Period.
First, I recommend that you review two chapters in my book: Who is She? and The Octopus Tango. Second, your girlfriend already has stated and justified her behavior to you. She's given you the data. Are you listening? She ain't gonna change, and you shouldn't try to change her! If you want a relationship with a woman, find a woman.
Dear No-Nonsense Advisor:
I am a woman in my 50s. I look great, feel great, and happen to like men in their mid-30s...and they like me. I used to feel that my attraction to younger guys was wrong, but, now that some psychologists are blessing these reverse pairings, I feel OK about it. Besides, if Demi Moore can have a younger man, why can't I? In my opinion, mine is a no-nonsense attitude. What do you think?
Fountain of Youth in Washington, DC
Dear Fountain,
I'm glad you wrote this letter. In my book, I do not address older-women/younger-men couplings, because it is unnecessary. I tell men how to assess who they are, what they want in their partners, and to seek only those women who are good matches. It is destructive to get into futile relationships, because getting out of them is so difficult. Often, women who desire younger men are attempting, unrealistically, to cling to youth and have some fun while it lasts (men have been doing this for a long time). Accordingly, the men who date them want the thrill of being with "experienced" women but know they will eventually seek younger chicks. Unfortunately, in our hedonistic, short-term-oriented, just-do-it culture, most people don't think or care about the long-term consequences of their actions. As a result, many people are walking around brokenhearted, scarred, and disenchanted about romance.
First, Demi Moore, who is a 40-year-old divorced mother of three, is hanging out with a 25-year-old kid. What can these two possibly have in common? Second, Demi Moore is in "show" business. It makes sense to assume that all her public stunts are for "show," designed to boost her image. Hollywood epitomizes nonsense. Believe me, when these two tire of each other -- and that will be soon -- they will split. Third, don't accept everything psychologists say. Robin Smith, a psychologist, recently told Fox News that older women dating younger men is a "fabulous" new trend. Huh? Doing something because it is a trend is ludicrous. Having fun is not a goal, but you'd never know that living in this self-absorbed country. The goal of a relationship is long-term fulfillment; fun is a byproduct of that. How many mismatched couples have you seen having "fun" one week and throwing things at each other the next? There's a reason our divorce rate is almost 60 percent! If you believe that being with a man 20 years your junior is healthy for you, and he feels likewise, then go for it. If, on the other hand, it is a predictable recipe for heartache, maybe you should reassess your true needs.
Dear No-Nonsense Advisor,
I took many of the suggestions in your book, hoping to get closer to my new girlfriend. This is a change for me, because I usually operate in the "player" mode. She surprised me by cooling things down. All of a sudden she "needs her space." Now I am bummed out. You see, this is why I play the field in the first place. Do you think I should go back to my old game or have some patience and give it a chance?
Chilling in San Diego
Dear Chilling,
This is a great question, deriving from a HUGE problem: many women have intimacy issues! First, congratulations for taking the plunge. Men and women who play the field are living in fear and avoiding the pains of closeness. I don't know how much sleuthwork you did on your girlfriend before deciding to get closer to her, and I don't know how long you've been seeing her. Maybe you're moving too fast; maybe not. If she gave you signals to move fast but then shut down, she may have reached her limit of intimacy.
One of the big myths about women is that they are more relationship-oriented than men. Nonsense! Because of their hangups and wounds, some women (like some men) just can't get close -- or take a LONG time to do so. Also, she may not be thinking of you for the long term. You had better draw some quick conclusions about her, or else you'll be wasting your time...and breaking your own heart. If she doesn't really dig you, ditch her. If she has intimacy problems, SHE must solve them; you AIN'T the shrink whose job is to counsel and fix her. If you think she will be in therapy over this for a long time, assuming she gets therapy, do you want to wait? Remember: life is short, and there are TONS of great women out there. Don't let this experience scare you away. Choose better next time.
Dear No-Nonsense Advisor,
I've been out with this guy about four times, and we've always had a lot of fun. We're very attracted to each other. I find it strange, though, that he IMs and e-mails me all the time but rarely picks up the phone to call me. He says he doesn't really like to talk on the phone. No, I don't suspect he is involved with another woman. But, he does have tons of male friends he hangs out with often, and he talks to them on the phone (I've seen their names on his caller-ID). To be honest, I find his need for frequent male companionship a little weird. It's as if he can't get close to a woman. I feel that we've hit a wall. What's wrong with him?
Puzzled in New York City
Dear Puzzled,
The better question is, What's wrong with you? Do you ever call him? If this guy doesn't like to talk on the phone -- that is, meet your emotional needs -- why on earth would you continue seeing him? Please don't tell me you're hoping he'll change. As you know, I say in my book that such an expectation is plain stupid. His need to be with the guys may mean he doesn't really like you as much as you think, or it may mean he is immature. His behavior may seem weird to you, but that's how he chooses to spend his time. The best way to protest his behavior is with your behavior: find another guy who already meets your needs!
Dear No-Nonsense Advisor,
I don't get it! I meet a lot of women on dating Websites...such a timesaver. Frequently, though, when I contact a woman I think would be a great match for me, I include my personal e-mail address so she can reply to me directly. Instead -- even when it's clear she's attracted to me -- she replies indirectly through the dating Website, forcing me to retrieve her e-mail there. What's going on with these girls? It's as if they're lazy or totally ignoring my preference. Why can't they be straightforward?
Frustrated in Ft. Lauderdale
Dear Frustrated,
This is an easy one. These girls are playing the chase game with you. They view themselves as prizes to be won. They want you to chase them, to work for them. It turns them on to see how many hoops you will jump through to get them. Many guys like the chase (then, once they catch their prey, they get bored and hunt for the next one. How pathetic!). Many women have "rules" about being chased. Being indirect is also a game; it is a position of defense and artificial power. It takes a lot of maturity and security to be direct, honest, and straightforward.
Whenever I've given a girl my e-mail address, in the same situation you've described, and she's ignored it by forcing me to communicate with her on the dating Website, I immediately stopped the correspondence. At that point, she has turned me off by revealing herself as a silly, game-playing girl, not a mature woman. She is not what I want, and I will not tolerate that childish nonsense. If she eventually writes to me at my personal e-mail address, I'll ask her what her problem was -- I may or may not accept her answer. If I never hear from her again, she has done |
