It’s bad enough when women expect us to romance them on Valentine’s Day, as if they deserve romance more than we do. It’s worse when our own brethren — male radio-talkshow hosts — excoriate us for being too forgetful, stupid, lazy, and unimaginative to make Valentine’s Day special.

I’m growing tired of hearing Glenn Beck and Jeff Katz, otherwise extremely talented guys, always telling us men that we are genetically inferior to women and damned lucky they lower themselves to be with us. In fact, two days after Valentine’s Day, Glenn Beck admonished men who had overlooked the holiday to realize that they had one, final chance to get down on their knees to beg forgiveness from and send roses to their girlfriends and wives.

Pathetic messages like these serve no useful purpose and only perpetuate the stereotypes and barriers that keep men and women at odds.

There is a fundamental problem with the traditional, female-oriented Valentine’s Day: it’s based on one-sided, “expected” generosity, which is an oxymoron. First, people don’t feel good about giving when that giving is expected, right ladies? Second, there shouldn’t be a single day of the year dedicated to “forced” romance. Romance should occur naturally, every day. Third, the very idea that women are automatically and exclusively entitled to royal treatment, just for being alive, turns off a lot of men. Look at the calendar. What is there for men? If you are not a father, there is no special day for just you. Why is that?

Many women are generous to their men on Valentine’s Day and throughout the year, but this generosity is neither universal nor generally perceived in our society. I recently debated Athena Navarro, the LA Love Coach, on His Side with Glenn Sacks. Athena’s motto is: I never paid for a date and I never will.

Athena, who is single, believes in the double standard that women are dually entitled to receive fat paychecks at work and expensive dinners from male suitors. Worse, she counsels men that, if they allow women to buy them dinner, they are feminine wimps. What shocks me is that her clients pay to hear this.

For those of you who think Valentine’s Day is an equal-opportunity affair, let me remind you of the endless “don’t forget HER” radio, TV, and newspaper advertising. In 2003, the National Retail Federation conducted its annual Valentine’s Day Consumer Intentions and Actions Survey, finding that the average man and woman intended to spend $125.96 and $38.22, respectively–a difference of more than triple.

Motivated by all the data I consume about this holiday, both formal and anecdotal, I decided this year to conduct my own Valentine’s Day poll on NoNonsenseDating.com. A few days before February 14th, I asked men and women this simple question: If you will buy your mate a Valentine’s Day gift, is it out of pure desire or a feeling of obligation? As you can see in the graph below, male respondents felt obligated by a factor of almost two, whereas women felt desirous by a factor of 3.5.

So, why do men dread Valentine’s Day while women love it? Duh! It’s simple: men are obligated and women are not. The holiday is focused on women. It’s a luxurious pleasure for a woman to give when there is no pressure on her to give, when there is no expectation for her to give. One of my female readers who also participated in the poll, wrote this to me after seeing the results: “I can see why men buy out of obligation, because so many women demand it and reinforce it among themselves.” Precisely.

Fixing Valentine’s Day

Even though, as I stated above, I think it ridiculous to have a single, annual holiday for expressing romance, especially when the pressure is on men to do the expressing, I know the holiday is here to stay. So, I hereby offer three, simple suggestions to make Valentine’s Day enjoyable for men and women, and to make it more lucrative for retailers:

• Women: Stop putting all the pressure and obligation on men to make Valentine’s Day special. Share the responsibility and expense. If giving is not genuine and mutual, it isn’t giving
• Men and women: Try to make every day of the year a romantic day so that celebrating on February 14 th becomes trivial or optional
• Retailers: Change the emphasis of your advertising: Valentine’s Day is for sweethearts, not for women.

About the Author

Marc H. Rudov is the author of the book The Man’s No-Nonsense Guide to Women: How to Succeed in Romance on Planet Earth^TM (ISBN 0974501719). His book and articles are available at TheNoNonsenseMan.com

Copyright © 2005 by Marc H. Rudov. All rights reserved.